The past 30 days!

The past month or so, for me, has been filled with so many emotions and questions. Just when it seemed I had found my place, the vision clearer than ever, the expectancy dial turned up as far as it could go and that which seemed to have died in me resurrected everything “appeared” to either come to a halt or change direction. I say appear because usually how things appear are not how they truly are. If they were, the Bible would not have to inform / instruct us that we are to walk by our Faith (our conviction / persuasion + corresponding action) and not by our Sight (what we see).

I was completely blindsided, even though I should have seen how I was being prepared for this. The Word will always come before the season, the confusion, the trial, the challenge, etc. The Word is given before so it can keep one through the season, the confusion, the trial, the challenge, etc. But of course, as always, my emotions became more dominant than the Word. And I take blame because I was speaking more to my emotions than I was to my Spirit. Whatever one feeds on is what will have dominion within them. My mind had a field day with me, all the “what ifs” came out, all the questions regarding choices and decisions, the creation of things that weren’t really there or happening. I felt like I was back in 2006 again, literally because life seemed to be repeating itself after it had seemed that life had gotten so far from that time. This allowed for me to be very analytical and start analyzing every relationship, choice, decision, words spoken, prayers prayed and seeds sown over the past 4 years. Hope was making it’s departure, as it seemed that individuals who don’t have the relationship I know I have, or the faith that I have, those with wrong motives were succeeding. I became vulnerable which had me yearning for something familiar, something safe, even if it meant settling or opening doors that I knew were closed for a reason, doors that I knew would only bring more pain. However, when one is vulnerable they could be compared to an alcoholic or any other type of addiction because they will seek for that which will satisfy the pain not realizing that it will only satisfy the pain for the moment, it will never deliver one from the pain. Sometimes emotional pain, I believe, can be more intense than some physical pain. This is why it so crucial, as I was reminded before I did anything stupid, to guard one’s self when in a vulnerable state AND why it so crucial to never choose a mate when in a vulnerable state because when you come out of that state (and YES, you will come out) you will be wondering what you did because what might have been good in that person for the moment, may not be what is needed for your life time.

I finally shut down my thoughts and my emotions long enough to just be, and it is here that I realized that we all have the power to CHOOSE and the power to CHANGE! I once saw this posted, “If the people around you won’t change, change the people around you.” I’m over making excuses for people and why they are they way they are. I too could have chosen to do things during this time of vulnerability that would have led to repetitive cycles, patterns or mistakes but I chose different. However, had I succumbed to vulnerability and possibly made a choice that thrust me back into a repetitive cycle, pattern or past mistake there is always the choice to get out. God does not force us to stay in our mistakes, we do either because of guilt, fear or pride and yes, while He may (allow) us to go through repetitive cycles, I believe that is in hope that we will get sick and tired of being sick and tired and change. God can’t force us to do anything otherwise He would be going against free will. I also realized that I had become comfortable in some situations not realizing becoming comfortable can handicap not only one’s self but others. I realized that I was wavering in certain areas because I hadn’t (settled) that those areas were Him. I also realized I wasn’t being consistent in what I know to do to keep me prepared for the journey or the battle because I was tired and sometimes that happens, we get tired. But that is when we need to remind ourselves to not grow weary in well doing, and to remain balanced. For those of us who are constantly being pulled on by others and constantly giving of ourselves to others it is especially important to refill and to have times when we can just be.

Today, this revelation has now replaced all of what I was “feeling” with peace. The truth is, despite how things appear of feel I, and others, are closer than we have ever been to stepping into that place ordained before the foundations of the Earth. It is just that time, which is why there is so much distraction, which is why the warfare has intensified. However, do not allow the distractions or warfare to cause you to retreat or step out of place and possibly forfeit destiny. Press through, Trust God and not Man, and Believe in the face of Adversity. Don't allow anyone to keep you from truly experiencing His BEST! And I mean truly experiencing it. If there is one thing that Christians have mastered it is Faking. This walk isn't about being perfect it is about being available. Embrace where you have been, where you are at (the good and bad, the right and wrong) but most importantly where you are headed.